Boundaries 101

Article #4 - Boundaries 101

Access the podcast format of this article on my Spotify channel here.

June 14, 2024

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

Prentis Hemphill

What are Boundaries?

When I begin teaching clients about boundaries, I always start with this short video from Dr. Henry Cloud.

In this 4 minute video, Dr. Cloud helps demystify boundaries, offers an understanding of what their purpose is and explains how we use them in a concrete, realistic way.  He also offers a brilliant analogy: Boundaries are property lines.  They define what is and is not my responsibility.

Boundaries clearly define what is in our locus of control and what is not, and practicing boundaries mean that we intentionally focus our finite resources (time, energy, money, skills, emotional reserves, etc.) toward what falls within our locus of control and practice accepting all of the circumstances that fall outside our locus of control, rather than trying to change them.

Boundaries = Locus of Control = Responsibility

What is in My Locus of Control?

Defining what we can control is the first step in identifying our boundaries.  This list includes:

• Your emotions

• Your thoughts

• Your actions

• Your responses

• Your beliefs, values, and opinions

• Your desires

• How you spend your time, money and energy

• The choices you make with your body (clothing, tattoos, physical touch, exercise, rest, nutrition, etc.)

• What you do with your material possessions

What is Not My Responsibility?

• Other people’s emotions

• Other people’s choices

• Other people’s desires

• Other people’s opinions of you and your choices

• The consequences for the actions of others

• How others spend their resources

What Does This Mean for Me?

When we identify that we are not responsible for managing the emotions of others and that we are the only ones who ultimately decide how we spend our resources, so many possibilities open up before us!  For many people, this can look like:

• Finally going for that career choice that their family didn’t approve of.

• Leaving a codependent relationship.

• No longer picking up the pieces after someone makes a mistake and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions.

• Spending their time in ways that are fulfilling, rather than engaging in activities that feel obligatory.

How do I Set a Boundary?

Boundary statements focus on what you can control: yourself.  This being said, effective boundary statements only outline one thing: Your behavior.  Boundary statements always include the word “I”.

It’s common to confuse a boundary with a request, and understanding the difference between the two can be really empowering.  A request is just that - asking another person to modify something, most commonly their behavior.  Common requests sound like:

“Can you please _____”

“I need you to ______”

“Please stop _______”

A boundary is different in that it focuses on what you can control.  This might include a qualifying statement, such as “If you continue to ____, I will ____.”  This is different from telling someone they need to stop or start a behavior, and when we find ourselves communicating this way, we often feel exhausted, resentful, or anxious if the behavior doesn’t change.  Boundaries are incredibly empowering, because they bring the focus back to what we can control in the situation.

Request: “Please stop yelling.”

Boundary: “If you continue to yell, I’m going to leave the room.”

Request: “Can you give the dog a bath?”

Boundary: “If the dog hasn’t had a bath in [agreed upon timeline], I’ll be taking her to the groomers.”

Request: “Can you start looking for a new place to live?”

Boundary: “I am happy to host you for a month.  After that, I won’t be able to support you in that way due to financial constraints."

Boundary statements often sound like:

“I will ____.”

“I won’t ____.”

“I am going to ____.”

“I am not going to ____.”

When we Feel Too Powerful and Powerless at the Same Time

Often, we focus on trying to control or manage another person (e.g. trying to “make” someone happy) while forfeiting control of ourselves (e.g. making our circumstances or emotional state reliant on another person’s behavior).

Practicing healthy boundaries also requires that we release others from our façade of control and accept that they are the only ones who can control their lives.  This can be challenging if we have related to others through codependent dynamics, such as working to make another person happy or stating that another person “made” us angry.  Taking accountability and freeing others to do the same is the most challenging part of boundary work, but it is also the most rewarding.

But Aren’t Boundaries Selfish?

I remember before I started my own journey in therapy that I believed that setting boundaries with others was selfish.  I also often took it personally when someone set a boundary with me, internalizing it as a rejection.  This was another layer that made boundary-setting a struggle for me, because I didn’t want others to feel rejected when I set boundaries.

Over time, I learned that setting boundaries in relationships is actually how we protect the good in them and make them stronger.  I also learned that by repressing my true feelings about something and not setting a boundary, I was repressing my authenticity, which ultimately makes relationships more challenging and inevitably leads to feelings of resentment and tension in the relationship.  Repressing our needs also severely impacts our mental and physical health in many negative ways.

When we fail to set boundaries and continue in patterns that leave us depleted and resentful, we are actually just perpetuating the relationship to continue in this state of deficiency.  We don’t show up as our best selves when we are in this place emotionally, and we often take out our frustrations on others or engage in passive aggressive language.

Author Lysa Terkeurst puts it this way:

“Without stopping the cycle by establishing appropriate boundaries, either there will be an eventual emotional explosion of frustration, which you’ll later regret, or simmering resentments that will silently eat away inside of you until you truly can’t stand that person at all.”

An analogy that is helpful when wrestling with the false belief that boundaries are selfish is to think about the safety instructions we receive after boarding a plane.  In the event of an emergency, you are always instructed to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.  That’s exactly what a healthy practice of boundaries ensures.

How Boundaries Allow us to Show Up as our Best Self

In Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, she gives an excellent example of another way boundaries protect the good in ourselves and in our relationships.  She describes that boundaries protect the person we want to be, and they prevent us from engaging in behaviors that are not aligned with our values.

An example: If I strive to be a kind person, I engage in behaviors that give me an opportunity to live that value out, such as asking my cashier at the grocery store how her day is going.  If I have decided I do not want to be a resentful person, I say no to requests from others that would require me to become overextended, stretched too thin, and ultimately lead to resentment in our relationship.

But What About When it’s Really Hard to Set Boundaries?

Boundary-setting will often bring with it a sense of dread or anxiety.  This does not mean that the boundary is wrong.  If we have engaged in relationships where we related to other people through patterns of enmeshment, it might feel “rigid” or “mean” to set a boundary.  The truth is that not setting the boundary is even harder.

It is critically important to remember that the state of the relationship without healthy boundaries in place is already really hard, often leading to bitterness, resentment, power struggles and other challenges.  By setting a boundary, we choose short term discomfort that creates long term health.  Either way, it’s going to be hard.  Just remember one hard option leads to growth and health, and the other hard option of letting things stay the way they are leads to more dysfunction and disconnect.  You choose your hard.

What if I am New to Setting Boundaries?

Start small.  Just like someone going to the gym for the first time wouldn’t start lifting the heaviest weights, we need to grow our capacity to communicate our boundaries.  If setting boundaries feels really intimidating, I recommend starting with simple things like being honest about your preferences.  When someone asks if you want to get sushi and you don’t want to, be honest.  If someone offers you a cup of coffee and you don’t want it, let yourself say “No thanks.”

“I don’t need boundaries.”

My favorite response to the statement “I don’t really need to have boundaries” comes from boundaries expert, Dr. Henry Cloud, who retorted “You think you don’t need boundaries until someone punches you in the face.”  This example always makes me chuckle and also helps us realize that boundaries are simply the standards we set with ourselves and others for the kinds of behaviors we will and won’t be around or engage in.  Anytime you have ever said “yes” or “no”, you’ve set a boundary.

Where Can I Learn More?

Dr. Henry Cloud has been helping people understand boundaries for over 25 years, with his books selling about 20 million copies worldwide.  He comes from a Christian background, and his books include scriptural references as a basis for his conceptualization of boundaries.  He also has many secular options, including countless free YouTube videos covering a wide array of topics relating to boundaries.  I recommend starting with his book Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Christian author Lysa Terkeurst recently published Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are, which has been a hugely impactful book for me personally and in my practice.  I will be expanding on some of her concepts in a future boundaries post.  This book is masterful!

Harriet Lerner, PhD. published The Dance of Anger originally in the 1980s, and it is one of the few books in the mental health field that has stood the test of time. This book is aimed at helping the reader turn their anger and resentment "into a constructive force for reshaping their lives", namely as it relates to setting boundaries. This book has helped me significantly in my most intimate relationships.