Grieving and the Holidays

Article #8 - Grieving and the Holidays

Access the podcast format of this article on my Spotify channel here.

November 27, 2024

Grief is love's souvenir.  It's our proof that we once loved.

Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world:

Look!  Love was once mine.  I love well.  Here is my proof that I paid the price.”

― Glennon Doyle Melton

With the holidays coming up, it can feel like our losses become more highlighted during this time of the year.  When we look around the room of people we love and a chair sits empty, the pain of grief can feel stabbing.  I feel that now in my chest and in my eyes as I write this.  This year, I’ve lost my grandfather and then unexpectedly lost our 5 year old dog.  I know many others this year that have sustained significant losses: a husband, a father, a beloved grandmother, a child - and the list goes on.

This time of year gets complicated, because as we are bombarded with the flashing lights and holiday festivities, something is inextricably missing. The excitement of the season can seem so mismatched with our inner experience.

Grief can be really tricky.  In my own experience, I often avoided embracing this emotion - sometimes at all costs.  Attempting to grasp at a false sense of power by asking “What if?” questions, busying myself in a ‘manufactured crisis’ to avoid the pain, or numbing and dissociating through endless screen time were all ways that I attempted to avoid dealing with the pain of loss.

In this article, we will talk through some common maladaptive coping mechanisms many people employ when facing grief, healthy ways to begin to process and grieve a loss, and some ways we can maintain a sense of hope and connection to our loved one beyond death, with some specifics aimed at finding ways to involve their memory and legacy in the holidays.

Many of the insights in this article are from David Kessler’s Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief Workbook.  It’s a phenomenal resource and just came out a couple of months ago.  I had the privilege of learning from him in person at a conference in October of this year, and he has made a tremendous impact on the field of grief work, drawing on the death of his adult son in 2016 and the loss of his mother when he was a young boy in addition to his extensive formal training.

Avoiding Grief

Identifying unhealthy coping mechanisms can be helpful, because it can allow us to course correct and choose ways of coping and grieving that promote better long-term outcomes for our mental and physical health, as well as our relationships.

As always, when we identify an unhealthy pattern within ourselves, change is only possible through non-judgment.  When we start to judge ourselves and move into a spiral of shame and rumination on the past, we inhibit ourselves from moving forward into the changes we want to make to improve our lives.  If you want to work on embracing grief in a healthy way, make sure you are committed to embracing a mindset of problem-solving rather than shaming when you identify an unhealthy pattern.

All maladaptive grief responses can be summarized as some form of avoidance.  This is a common response when we sense an overwhelming emotion and believe that to allow ourselves to pause and feel it will take us out.  However, the avoidance of an emotion guarantees its persistence.

We often believe that by staying busy, creating a manufactured crisis to attend to, numbing, or avoiding by other means, that we will effectively avoid the emotion.  Paradoxically the entire time we do this, we are in fact being controlled by the emotion we are trying so desperately to avoid.  Often times, the emotion will also increase in its intensity or somatic manifestations to get our attention and force us to acknowledge it.

How to Regulate Through the Emotions Associated with Grief

With my clients, I use this analogy: Imagine the emotion you are avoiding is like a toddler wanting your attention.  They say your name, and when you don’t respond, they say it louder.  As you continue to ignore, they get louder.  They might tug on your shirt, jump up and down, and eventually might have a full meltdown.  This isn’t bad behavior.  This is because they have a biological and emotional need to know that they are seen and heard (I could get on a rabbit trail here of the necessity of compassionate, co-regulatory parental response to children’s emotions for proper circuitry development in the brain, but that is for another article).

Emotions are the same way.  The more we avoid, the louder and more intense emotions get.  In the moment of turning toward that emotion and acknowledging its presence, we immediately begin to decrease its intensity.  In recognizing this, it can give us more confidence in learning how to regulate our emotions, including big ones.

Drawing from my previous article on emotion regulation and coping skills, we can remember that the first step of emotion regulation is to acknowledge how an emotion is manifesting physically.  Neuroscientist Dan Seigel teaches that “emotions are how the body communicates with the brain.”  Recognizing that emotions are simply physiological changes in our biology can decrease our fear around acknowledging them.  A therapist I met during my first internship emphasized how important it was for her clients to understand that “no emotion can kill you.”  It’s the behaviors of avoidance that cause problems.  We often overestimate the pain of an emotion and underestimate our ability to deal with it.  This also drives avoidant behaviors.

Once we have identified the physical manifestation of the emotion - maybe a lump in your throat, tears in your eyes, a pit in your stomach - we take a moment to name the emotion(s) that are showing up.  It might be grief, anger, despair, anguish, depression - no emotion is wrong or “bad.”  This Huberman Lab podcast goes into detail using peer-reviewed research describing how naming your emotional experience with granularity increases mental health outcomes and boosts overall mood.

The next step in emotion regulation is simply accepting the emotion.  I have personally found that this is the most difficult part when I am working with an uncomfortable emotion.  To accept the emotion doesn’t mean that we are happy with the circumstances or that we don’t care about what happened.  It means that we accept that the emotion is present.  Sometimes I might say to myself “Depression is here.  That’s okay.  It can stay as long as it needs to. I know it won't be here forever.”

Going through this process allows us to have more mindfulness about our emotional experience and to recognize that we don’t have to become fused with our emotions; we can notice them, respond to them, and watch them dissipate. John Eldredge calls this "benevolent detachment."

What if My Relationship with My Loved One was Complicated?

Something that is discussed frequently in my sessions with clients experiencing loss is the complexity of the grief when the person who died was someone with whom we had a complicated relationship. This might be greiving the loss of a loved one who exhibited many traits of emotional immaturity, often times causing us to feel misunderstood and not honored in the relational dynamic. When this is the case, it's important to also allow space for grieving what never was. Allow yourself to acknowledge the ways this relationship fell short of your emotional needs and desires and grieve what you didn't receive. Death can be especially hard in these relationships, because we can no longer hold out hope that the relationship might one day change and be more connected. We have to accept the limitations of the relationship and how these contrast with our desires for how we wanted to connect with this person.

Reframing Grief Cues

One month after we lost our dog, I was on a bike ride down a path where she and I spent a lot of time together.  There was one spot in particular where a sweet elderly woman complimented both of us and insisted on taking a picture.  It was a beautiful day and a sweet memory.  When I rode by that spot, I felt a wave of grief and tears instantly filled my eyes.  In his book, Kessler talks about these experiences as “grief cues” that we can turn into opportunities to practice gratitude.

“These heightened moments of emotion can be a road map to your grief.  They can tell you where your pain is but also show you where the healing resides.  For instance, there’s a park near my house where I used to go with my son.  After David died, I was so fearful about the emotions that park would stir up that I avoided going anywhere near it.  I would take other streets even if they were out of the way.  I hated the reminder of how things were and would never be again.  But then one day, I absentmindedly followed my GPS and drove right past the park.  I noticed how much easier it was being there without all the emotional buildup. When I didn’t have anticipatory fear about the pain, the pain wasn’t so bad. 

Our minds want to avoid pain by geographically placing it.  We often do that with external cues. That movie will cause me pain.  That street, that book, that hospital, and so on.  If I avoid that cue, I’ll never feel the pain, so I’ll just avoid it.  I’ll never drive past the sight of the accident.  I’ll never listen to that song again.  I’ll stay away from that grief group.

Here’s something that might surprise you, though.  If you take away those cues, the pain will still be there.  That pain lives in you.  The cues are just reminders.  It’s not the schoolyard or the accident location that gives you pain.  The pain is already there.”

Kessler goes on to say that reframing our grief cues can help us in the healing process.

“Not too far from the park, there’s a street corner where I hugged my son David for the last time. That place is a grief cue for me.  I avoided it for a while.  I got angry whenever I went there before, but now I’ve reframed the experience.  When I go there today, it’s as if David is meeting me there.  He’s hugging me.  Because I’ve reframed it, my mind can rest and live in the moment with the love I have for David.”

What are some ways that you can honor your grief cues and then reframe them?

For myself, it means recalling the laughs I had that day with my dog and how happy she was to be by the water and go swimming. I picture her tail wagging and her big goofy smile as I threw the ball for her.

Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself & Your Grief

I often hear clients express the concern about their mental health taking a toll after a loss.  They think that they should be handling the loss better than they are.  I tell them to think about it this way: if you broke your legs, would you expect yourself to run a marathon a week later?  Go on a hike?  Ride a bike?  Of course not.  The same is true when we have sustained a psychological injury through loss: we need to adjust our expectations to be realistic, considering what we are navigating.  For some people, this means that it is a win to get out of bed during the day and take a shower.  Maybe eating a nutritious meal is all you can muster.  When you’re already in pain, don’t cause yourself undue suffering by imposing unrealistic “shoulds” on yourself.  Inventory your bandwidth and set expectations accordingly.

Sometimes in our culture it is believed that grieving well means “moving on” or “getting over” the loss.  Kessler writes in his book “We like to believe our grief will grow smaller in time, but it doesn’t.  We must grow bigger.”  Grief work is about expanding ourselves, not minimizing the loss.  We are healing when we are growing.

Embrace Duality

Grief - especially around the holidays - can be mixed with emotions that appear on the surface to be contradictory.  It’s normal to feel joy holding loved ones in your arms or drawing to mind a special memory with someone who has passed.  This is often intermingled with grief, as we experience the pang of sadness that we wish we were still making memories with our loved one or that we could go back in time and give them one more hug.  Embracing duality is how we make peace with this.  Give yourself a gentle reminder that it’s okay to experience joy and grief simultaneously.

This topic can sometimes touch on feeling guilty or the belief that embracing emotions like joy is a betrayal to the one who has passed.  When thoughts like this come up, it’s important to remember that this loved one cared for you, and when they were alive your happiness gave them joy.  Death doesn’t change that.  They would want you to be living a wholehearted life, complete with embracing joy.

Ways to Involve Your Loved One in Your Holiday Festivities

Finding ways to incorporate the memories or traditions of your loved one into your celebrations can be a way of keeping their memory alive.  In his book, David Kessler says  “Don’t let death take any more than it already has.”

We must remember that just because a person’s body is gone does not mean everything about them has died.  You get to cherish the ways they are still alive and well.  Here are some of those ways:

Tell stories about the loved one.

• This might include a funny memory of a Christmas dinner disaster, a white elephant gift exchange with lots of giggles, or the memory of them reading the same story every year on Christmas Eve.

• Some families create space during their gatherings for everyone to tell a favorite story they have of the loved one who has passed.

Carry on their traditions that you enjoy.

• Making that family member’s classic holiday dish or dessert

• Playing the person’s favorite card game

• Creating and playing a playlist of their favorite songs

• Reading their favorite book or poem

• Using their favorite tea cups on a chilly day and making their favorite hot beverage

• Wearing an article of clothing that person loved, like a baseball cap, brooch, or flannel shirt

• Earlier this year, my grandfather passed away, and he would always make the same joke as we would leave his home.  We still make that same joke now as a nod to his sense of humor and playfulness.

Put up pictures of the loved one.

• You can order ornaments with the inlay of a picture.  My husband and I have done this with images of our loved ones who have passed on.  We both feel a sense of peace seeing them on the tree every day and knowing they are involved in our celebration of the season.

• Some families create a place setting for someone who has passed and put that person’s image on the chair or the table.

Write a letter.

• You can write a letter to your loved one expressing how much you wish you could give them a hug or tell them about memories you’ve made since their passing.

Embracing Finding Meaning

David Kessler identifies Finding Meaning as the sixth and final stage of grief.  As part of embracing this stage, Kessler suggests reflecting on the following questions:

• What could death not touch?

• What part of that person lives on in me?  How can I foster and grow that part?

• What values and beliefs did that person possess, or what action steps did they take that can help me through this grief process?

• What would my future self and my loved one want to see looking back on the rest of my life?

• What meaning can I find in my loved one’s life and death that can bring healing to me and honor to them?

• What can I do that would honor the years my loved one didn’t get?

• If my loved one could see through my eyes, what would I be proud to show them about my life today?

• What do I value more since the death of my loved one?

• What are some ways I am growing and changing for the better following this loss?

• How is my love for the person who died making me a better person today?

• How might I help someone else, with love and loss as my guide?

Finding Additional Support

If you are struggling with a loss and need some extra support, David Kessler has the website grief.com with countless free, valuable resources on grieving.  He also hosts virtual grief groups on that platform that have helped thousands of people over the years.

There are also lots of local grief groups you can access via this link on the Grief Share website.

Additionally, David Kessler’s book Finding Meaning: the Sixth Stage of Grief as well as the accompanying workbook are phenomenal resources.  He also co-authored On Grief and Grieving with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

And, as always, ask for help when you need it.  As you adjust your expectations of yourself to be more realistic, be willing to practice vulnerability and allow others to help.   Seeing a mental health professional can also be very helpful in understanding and working through your grief in a safe environment.

What are some ways that you have found meaning following a loss? Share below in the comments!