The Tenets of Emotional Maturity
- Madeline Kraut, LMSW
- May 16, 2024
- 10 min read
Updated: Dec 1, 2024
Article #3 - The Tenets of Emotional Maturity
Access the podcast format of this article on my Spotify channel here.
May 16, 2024
Welcome back! Thank you for being a part of this online community. This article is a special one, because this topic is one of the main reasons I felt inspired to create this space online. The tenets of emotional maturity have been incredibly impactful in ALL of my relationships: my relationship with myself, my husband, my clients, my friends, and family members. Not a day goes by where I don't refer to these as I am making decisions about how I want to engage with others. They help me to stay on course and continue to live a life that espouses the values that are most important to me. If I could only give one resource to the world, this would be it, because living by these tenets is life-changing. That is how passionate I am about this topic.
As the title suggests, this post breaks down the different components that make up an emotionally mature person. It's important that I add the caveat that we all have a blend of emotionally mature and immature patterns, so it's important not to approach this with a black-and-white lens where we label ourselves or others as 100% emotionally immature or 100% emotionally mature. My goal in publishing this was that more people could have access to the components of emotional maturity so we can all show up better for the people we love, as well as to know what 'green flags' to look for when dating, finding new friends, and looking to invest in new relationships.
This post was inspired by Lindsay Gibson's book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. In the section on boundaries (find Part 1 here and Part 2 here), I also include some powerful insights from Lisa Terkeurst's book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. I highly recommend each of these books. If you know that you grew up in some dysfunction but aren't quite ready for a deeply thorough or emotionally heavy book on understanding your upbringing, I recommend Gibson's Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents as a great starting point.
Emotionally Mature People…
Accept Reality.
Have you ever been around someone who fixates on how things “should” be? - “There shouldn’t be this much traffic. Prices shouldn’t be so high. He shouldn’t be so mean.”
When we hear people using the word “should”, it’s a good indicator they are fighting reality. When we have moved to problem solving the situation in front of us rather than ruminating on why we shouldn’t be in this position, it’s a good indicator we have accepted reality and are working with it rather than against it.
Healthy people who accept reality are the ones who go furthest in life. They take stock of their situation and get creative with how they will use it to their advantage. Emotionally mature people recognize that the discomfort that will result from staying the same will be greater than the discomfort of making changes in the direction of their goals.
Are Consistent and Reliable.
Emotionally mature people have an integrated sense of self, which means you won’t be surprised with inconsistencies (Gibson, 2015). They have a strong sense of self (Gibson, 2015), and you can trust they are being authentic with you.
Be on the lookout early on in a relationship; does that person show irritability in the first stages, when people are usually on their best behavior? This can be an indication of disrespect, rigidity, and entitlement (Gibson, 2015). "If you find yourself reflexively stepping in to soothe another person’s anger, watch out” (Gibson, 2015, p. 184). That could be you in the “crosshairs of their anger” before long (Gibson, 2015, p.184).
“More mature people find a sustained state of anger unpleasant”, so they try to find a way to regulate it and move on from it rather than ruminate and perpetuate it (Gibson, 2015, p.184). They recognize that this elevated state of anger could lead them to say or do something they regret, so they often withdraw for a short period of time to cool down and then make a game plan for moving forward when they are clear-headed.
When a mistake is made in the relationship, healthy people don’t withdraw their love, give a cold shoulder, or lead you to feel that you need to walk on eggshells. They are able to have an authentic conversation about changes that need to happen in the relationship, but it is driven by love and a desire to strengthen the relationship in a way that is mutually beneficial.
Don’t Take Everything Personally.
Emotionally mature people realize that mistakes happen - both their own and others. They recognize that their own mistakes are valuable learning opportunities. They also recognize that when others mess up, it’s not a message to decode about that person’s true feelings about them.
They have a healthy level of detachment that comes from their strong sense of self; what others do or don’t do has no power over how they feel about themselves.
“People who take things personally often feel that they’re being evaluated, seeing slights and criticisms where they don’t exist. This kind of defensiveness consumes relational energy like a black hole” (Gibson, 2015, 180).
Emotionally mature people recognize that mistakes and problems are a part of life. Rather than allow themselves to be emotionally controlled by these things, healthy people are able to laugh and shake their heads when something goes wrong and start on a Plan B. They are not perfectionistic.
Respect Your Boundaries.
Emotionally mature people are looking for connection and authenticity, not control (Gibson, 2015). They respect your individuality and your right to make decisions for your life as you see fit.
This is another area to listen for “shoulds”:
“You should go on that trip with me!”
“You shouldn’t tell her that.”
“You should focus your energy on this.”
“You should buy this product.”
When someone directs a “should” at us, they are not respecting our autonomy. There is a lack of understanding that you are the only one who knows what is best for you. The only caveat here is if you specifically ask someone for their feedback. Otherwise, the “shoulds” are unsolicited advice that send the message “I know what you need better than you do.”
Immature people who are seeking control or enmeshment may psychoanalyze you to their own advantage, telling you what you really meant or how you need to change (Gibson, 2015). This is a sign they disrespect your boundaries. You know what they say about making assumptions…
“If you were neglected by emotionally immature parents during childhood, you may find yourself willing to put up with unsolicited analysis and unwanted advice from others. This is common among people who are hungry for personal feedback that shows someone is thinking about them. But this kind of ‘advice’ isn’t nourishing attention; it is motivated by a desire to be in control” (Gibson, 2015, p.181).
Healthy people know that respecting boundaries creates a safe culture within the relationship. They also recognize that healthy boundaries are how we maintain and deepen our connections with others; they know boundaries don’t push people away, but protect what’s good for us and the relationship.
People who are emotionally mature recognize that boundaries help us maintain our identity; if I am a kind person, my boundaries help me avoid situations where I am likely to be unkind. If I am not a resentful person, my boundaries help me say ‘no’ to situations where I would feel resentful if I were to say ‘yes’ (Terkeurst, 2022).
Communicate Clearly.
Emotionally immature people evade taking ownership for how they really feel by using indirect or passive aggressive communication. This may be in the form of a cold shoulder, passive aggressive comments, or words that don’t match tone.
Healthy people know that they can not expect anything from anyone, unless they have clearly communicated that expectation or need, and the other party has agreed to it. They take accountability for their wants and desires in a relationship. This benefits everyone, because when we clearly communicate these things, it gives the other party a clearly defined win - there’s no confusing guesswork.
Emotionally mature people give you space to represent yourself fully in the relationship, rather than making assumptions or determining what you “should” want. If you bait them, they will not take the bait, as they only operate in the economy of clear communication. They will take you at your word, which means it is your full responsibility to communicate honestly. They will not do the emotional work for both parties in the relationship.
Compromise Well.
Emotionally mature people are collaborative and open to the ideas of others. They have a strong sense of self, so they don’t need to defend their idea as the “best” as a way of maintaining their self esteem.
When you compromise with a healthy person, you won’t feel like you are giving up something really important to you. Rather, you’ll both feel satisfied with the solution and perhaps used some fun out-of-the-box creativity to get there.
“Compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a mutual balancing of desires” (Gibson, 2015, p. 183).
Emotionally mature people take your needs into account when working on a compromise. You may each not get everything you want, but you will both get everything you need (Gibson, 2015).
Are Open to New Perspectives.
“Emotionally mature people have a secure sense of self. They don’t feel threatened when other people see things differently, nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something” (Gibson, 2015, p. 184). They recognize that admitting they don’t know something does not make them dumb; it makes them a great learner.
Curiosity without an agenda is a hallmark trait of emotional maturity. When you share a different perspective, a healthy person will realize that it is entirely possible to try a perspective on for size without buying it and taking home as their own. You will feel safe to share your perspective on things, because it will be met with curiosity rather than a dissertation on why you are wrong.
Research on relationships by the Gottman Institute has shown that one of the most important themes in a healthy relationship is a willingness to be influenced by others (Gibson, 2015).
Apologize and Make Amends.
A quality apology includes a few components:
Clearly naming the behavior that was hurtful
Reflecting back to the hurt party how your behavior affected them
Including the words “I apologize for ____.”
Naming to the hurt party what you will do in the future in similar scenarios to prevent from hurting them again
Asking the hurt party if you have fully understood the extent of their experience, or if there is anything you missed
Recognizing that the other party bringing this to your attention is a gift, because they recognize the relationship could be stronger and more connected on the other side of this conversation. They are willing to make this investment in the relationship by bringing this behavior to your attention.
Just as understanding the traits of a quality apology is important, so is understanding the traits of a poor one:
Asking the hurt party to forgive you. This is their choice and on their timeline. It is not their job to absolve your guilt.
Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” - these are not true apologies; they are apologizing to another person for their feelings, which are their right to have. It evades taking responsibility for your behavior and blames the other party for their ‘sensitivity’.
Using the time as an opportunity to bring up your grievances. This can feel great in the short term, because it feels like it’s leveling things out. However, it voids the apology by making that time about you, when it needs to be about the hurt party and their experience. If you have something you need to bring up with this person, wait at least a day after your apology. Bonus points if you ask the person before having the conversation if they have the bandwidth for a challenging conversation.
Apologizing multiple times. This shifts the focus from the hurt party and forces them to have to comfort and reassure you. This is not their job. Your guilt is a healthy response to making a mistake, and this emotion serves as a motivator to make healthy changes.
Justifying your behavior. Defensiveness means that you are making this moment about absolving your guilt or responsibility, and you are actively avoiding taking accountability. It also sends the message to the other party that you are not a safe person and will likely prevent them from feeling comfortable enough to have these conversations in the future. Defensiveness in these moments is a top killer of closeness and vulnerability.
When receiving an apology, it’s best to stay away from saying “It’s okay.” This statement suggests that nothing really happened, despite the fact that an apology means that there was a hurt between the parties. Responding with “Thank you.” instead recognizes that you were hurt and you are grateful for the other party’s choice to take accountability for their actions.
Being able to apologize well is reflective of high levels of self worth. When we can take accountability for our behavior, it means that we recognize our worth is intrinsic and does not fluctuate based on our behavior. High self worth also means that we look for opportunities to grow and are grateful when they present themselves; we know we don’t have to be perfect to be good or loved.
Create Safety with Their Empathy.
Emotionally mature people regularly practice curiosity toward the experiences of others. They have healthy boundaries and recognize they are not responsible for your emotions, but they still consider them and are able to reflect on your experience.
Unhealthy people often overlook your emotions altogether or swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and take responsibility for your emotions. Neither are helpful for a healthy, free, and authentic relationship.
Healthy people show a genuine interest in your life. These relationships feel reciprocal - they ask you about your life, and you return the interest. It is a two way street.
Emotionally safe people appreciate it when others offer care to them, and they offer this to others when their friends are struggling. They are able to ask for help when they need it.
Emotionally mature people can laugh and be playful. They recognize that you can’t take life too seriously.
“Too much cynicism and sarcasm are be signs of a closed-down person who fears connection and seeks emotional protection by focusing on the negative” (Gibson, 2015, p.189). A reminder: if a joke is at someone else’s expense, it’s not funny.
Healthy people appreciate when others show up for them. They don’t get caught up in focusing on the other party saying the “right” things, but rather the emotional effort that person is putting forth.
Practice Self Reflection and Work on Making Healthy Changes.
Emotionally mature people are able to see how their behaviors influence others and take this into consideration.
Healthy people reflect on their own sensitivities or triggers and take responsibility for them. They are mindful not to discharge their own challenging emotions onto others. They might say things like “Can we come back to this conversation after a 5 minute break? I need to cool down.” or “I’m noticing my sensitivity about my intelligence is activated right now.”
When you are friends with a healthy person, you will notice that they change over the years; they will grow, become more mature, less defensive, more open, and more aware of their relationships with themselves. This is all a result of self reflection. Self reflective people “don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life” (Robin Sharma).
Resources
Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Chiidren of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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